Fallen Moon
by irish-dancer
Summary: Oz ponders being a werewolf, The Initiative, and control.... *post New Moon Rising*


Fallen Moon Summery: Oz ponders being a werewolf, The Initiative, and control.... *post New Moon Rising*br Declaimer: I don't own ANYTHING! But I really would like Oz for my birthday.... *HINT* *HINT*br Author's Note: This is my first fan fic, so please be kind if you review (PLEASE REVIEW! I WANT TO KNOW I MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN SOMEONE'S LIFE!) I have been pondering this story idea for a while, but have been too lazy to write it down, but well, here I go. Oh just to warn everyone, Oz is kind of in a bad mood and sort of bitchy and I really hope it's not too out of character...br  
  
How come I always seem ignored? Is it just that I am "quiet"? Or something. I tend to fade into the background. Why do I do that? Sometimes now it is just easier to fade away. In Tibet they tried to teach me control, and now it seems control for me is fading away, into the background. It seems easier than having to deal with life, the universe and everything else. I don't have to face rejection, again. I traveled half way around the world in hopes of finding control and I think I find it! But it turns out the one thing I love more than life it's self, causes me to loose it! And I never loose it! Never. Ever. I know it was stupid to think that Willow would wait for me, but I could hope. She was the whole reason I went on my quest thingy to finding myself. But it sucked finding out she hadn't waited for me. It sounds selfish, but I wish she had. And I still can't believe I lost it.br Maybe my life would have been different if I had never become a werewolf. Maybe if I hadn't babysat that night. Maybe if I had stopped when Jordy had asked me too. Self pity, That's how low I have gotten. Me. Oz.br Sometimes I still think about the night The Initiative captured me. It's degrading. I was locked in a cage. Metal. Surround by it. Naked and cold. I was no better than a lab rat-a big furry, sharp clawed, lab rat, but a lab rat nonetheless. I was used. I had tests run on me. I was electrocuted. It was like my humanity wasn't even there. I can still feel the coldness, the feeling of being alone, separated. No one really seemed to care. It was like "Okay, you just were used as a human, or mostly human lab rat, and now your expected to jump back into the swing of things!"br Maybe I should get my own personal shrink. "Yeah, I left my girlfriend to find control of my "inner beast" because I was worried about ripping her to shreds 3 nights a month. Oh yeah, did I mention that I'm a lycanthrope?" Yeah right. Just ship me off to the funny farm.br It's funny; sometimes I will be sitting in a park, or field, or shopping mall or place and think that my entire time at Sunnydale has just been my imagination. Sometimes I wish it were as simple as that. Maybe being insane. That I am not really a werewolf. I never fought vampires. I never dated Willow Rosenberg. I wish I could just be some insane mad man, locked in a padded room. I don't dye my hair, I never played guitar for the Dingoes, I don't were bowling shirts and black nail polish. But then all I have to do is take a deep breath. All the smells. I shouldn't be able to smell them! I shouldn't be able to go deep down and feel the wolf on the edge of my being. Locked in my cage of flesh and bone.br Veruca told me that I am the wolf all the time. I am not human, and haven't been for a very long time. I denied that for a very long time. I tried to be normal. What's normal anyway? Deep conversational material. I still played guitar. I helped save the world from impending doom. But three nights a month. I am definitely not normal. How many "normal" guys change into huge, wolfy demons, and are locked away from the world? Ozwolf-that's me. It's kind of ironic. I have always been sort of a small, quiet, and I guess, over all nice guy, but when the full moon comes around. It's like I am a completely different thing. Juxposition. Maybe it's supposed to be some sort of sick metaphor. Most of the time, I can't control the wolf. I have learned to embrace the wolf, and then suppress it, but I can't control it.br Sometimes I wonder if maybe Veruca was right. That it's okay to give into the animal side of my nature, and not try to control it. But then I think about almost hurting Willow, and I still search for control. Fading into the shadows. Always listening and watching for my chance to gain my freedom. I know it's hopeless, she's happy with Tara. But hey, people change and sometimes more than one way....br  
  
Author's Note: So do you like it? Is it too out of character? Or just plain bad, (well I hope it's not that bad :-) And maybe if people like it I will write another chapter. And maybe this time it will actually have a PLOT! 


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